One year on…

This time last year, I was reading a beautiful natural birth empowerment book one of my closest friends had gifted me for my birthday. I was excitedly absorbing all of the information and making a list of questions in my head to discuss at my appointment the next day. I was going to be meeting Anna for the first time, to see whether we were the right fit, and hopefully welcome her on board our birth team as our doula. 
She arrived that next morning, and we had a wonderful connection. We talked about positive and inspiring births, and I was so, so excited for what was to come. 
After she left, Izzy and I went for a walk along the creek, and to the library. 
In the afternoon we hit the park, spontaneously, and a friend and her son joined us for a short time. 
It was when I got home that I realised I had started to bleed.
It was then that I had the first inclination that something might be wrong. 
The days to follow were long, terrifying and full of uncertainty, worry, and hope. It felt like they dragged on forever. In some ways, they did. 
So, this night, one year ago, was the last in which I sat blissfully happy, awaiting this exciting new chapter of life. 
And a lot has happened since then.
I have experienced ALL of the feelings.
I have been angry, that this happened.
I have been devastated, that this happened.
I have been terrified that it might happen again. 
Some days, I want nothing more than to be pregnant again, awaiting the arrival of another little person in our lives.
Some days, I do not want to have any more children, because it is just so painful to think it could happen again.
Often, Isabella asks me if she can have a sister- not a brother, or a sibling- a sister. I tell her maybe. Because I do not know. I cannot promise her anything. Because I do not know what the future holds for our family. 
I do know that this last year has been full of life lessons. It has been one of, if not THE most, challenging I have ever had. And at the beginning of that year, I experienced the most traumatic, terrifying and devastating experience of my life. 
So here we come full circle. 
As that weekend falls again for the first time. 
Xx

2 thoughts on “One year on…

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