There was a time when every year on the 2nd of January, I would be completely miserable, for the whole day.
I would sit, and go through my memory box until I started to cry.
I would leave all the blinds closed and refuse to speak to anyone.
I would spiral in my dark thoughts and think about all the sad things until I couldn’t bring myself back.
I have said this before- I don’t believe that you can lessen your grief. It is always there. But I do believe that we become stronger and we learn to manage it better.
When I progressed from those dark dark versions of the second of January, it still sucked. Instead of spending the day digging myself into a whole of darkness, I spent them feeling guilty that I wasn’t.
I was still sad- but I punished myself for not being completely miserable. I felt selfish because I had the ability to function more rationally than years gone by.
And this year it was different again.
I didn’t feel guilty. And I did not let myself fall into despair.
I felt sad. My husband asked me what was wrong before we had even had breakfast. I just said ‘it is Dad’s birthday today’, and he was like ‘oh ok right’. He understood.
And after feeling sad, I remembered. I remembered my Dad and I thought about what he might be like if he was still with us. I wondered what he would think about how I had turned out. I wondered if he would like our house, our neighbourhood, my husband. And I thought about what he might do to celebrate.
And I didn’t feel guilty. Because, although I know it’s totally cliche, if there’s one thing he most certainly wouldn’t want for his birthday, it would be his only child punishing herself. He would not want that at all.
And I realised something else today. How far I’ve come. Not with my grief, because that will always be there. But with my own mental health and strength.
Perhaps it’s my shift to focusing on positive thinking. Perhaps it’s becoming a mother. But whatever it is, there was a time when I would have clung to the misery and lost myself with it.
And I didn’t.
I am stronger.
aka Clary ❤️