This morning, we planted a tree to honour the little soul that we never got to meet.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I could do today to help us heal. I reached out to find some inspiration and suggestions on what had helped other women in the past.
And planting a tree felt right. One of the hardest emotions I’ve experienced through this loss was that I will never get to nurture my baby or watch it grow.
So I will nurture this tree.
We will nurture this tree.
It will be a part of our family.
And we can see it grow.
Isabella and I went to choose the right one last week, ready for planting today. I am not the most proficient of gardeners, and so asked a lot of questions and did a lot of research before making our selection.
And we chose a Dwarf Washington Navel Orange tree.
Citrus trees, so I am told, keep leaves and some greenery all year round. And then in the spring, when baby’s due date is, the tree begins to flower. And then in Summer the tree begins to fruit. So we walked over to look at the citrus trees and this one just spoke to me. I lifted it and that was that.
I suppose throughout this journey I should have learned that having expectations and set ideas about things is not practical and usually leads to disappointment. I had a vision of our little family planting the tree. Of previous words of memory being spoken. A moment taken to acknowledge the representation of the tree. And then I suppose I expected a huge weight to lift and my feelings to suddenly have a huge shift. I expected so much from that moment.
And I did enjoy planting the tree. In fact in the hour I have been at home on my own I have spent about half of that time staring at the tree. And when I look at it I feel a weird range of emotions. And somehow it does make me feel calmer.
But the actually planting itself was over before I knew it. And then before there was an opportunity to delve further into saying something or taking a moment, the family moved on with their day. Isabella started to play in the garden and Simon went off to get ready for work.
Because I suppose life goes on.
So why, if everyone else around me is functioning and continuing on with their lives, am I just so stuck.
We have so many new beginnings ahead of us, and I’m trying to look towards the future. But I am spending so much time thinking about what might have been.
Logically, I know it was impractical to have such high expectations that my feelings would so drastically alter simply because of the significance of the day- I know that. But emotionally, I’m still hoping for that magical moment to find me today on my journey, and help me move forward.