It’s almost that time…

So baby could have been here by now… and if they weren’t then they certainly wouldn’t have been very far away. I would have been huuuuuge and uncomfortable and excited and nervous and anxious and smitten and all of those BIG feelings! 

I’m in a really conflicted place right now. I’m both dreading AND looking forward to November 24th. 

I feel a cloud of sadness come over me whenever I think about what might have been. 

I also feel some kind of relief. Or hope? Maybe hope is a better word? 

No.

Closure? 

I feel that in some way once that date has passed I will be better equipped to move forward. 

I will no longer be counting ‘I would have beeen 36 weeks today’, ‘the baby would have been the size of a watermelon this week’. 

I suppose it’s possible I could continue to do this instead with ‘my baby would have been xx months old today’. But somehow I feel like that due date of November 24 presents an opportunity for closure. A chance to move forward. 

That’s what I’m hoping. 

And since I’m the one that controls the way I think, hopefully I can make that come true.

I’m working really hard on trying to live in the present, and be mindful of my present day. I’ve spent too much of this year wishing away my days- waiting for the next to start fresh only to wish that one away too.

And you know what? That means I’m wishing away my life! And I don’t want that. Yes, I have had a challenging year. I will never be the same person that I was before. 

That’s not to say that this year has been stripped of joy and positivity. There have been so many wonderful things that have happened in my life. And I have started feeling those positive things more. 

I’ve shared this quote before- ‘Trust the timing of your life’.

I don’t know if I believed it then- I loved it but I probably still needed convincing.

But I’m more on board now.

Perhaps my body knew that I just needed this extra time.

I’ve been given the opportunity to spend more one on one time with my gorgeous little Miss Isabella.

I have been able to experience what it is like returning to work for a short term contract.

I can focus attention on the final decisions with our build.

I won’t have to move house with a newborn AND a toddler.

Of course- I would trade it all in a second to have that baby due earthside any day now.

But it wasn’t meant to be. Not yet. My life has different ideas.

It will all work out. 

I hope.

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