I do not want to go inside…

So. It is Thursday. The sun is shining and the birds are chirping. I should be sitting in a deck chair with a good book, swollen ankles elevated. Having a good old soak up of the sun, gazing at my gigantic 37 weeks pregnant belly, and feeling the glorious movements of my baby in my belly (glorious and also somewhat uncomfortable!). 

Instead, my hands are shaking, and I’m trying not to cry, because in 40 minutes I am scheduled for an ultrasound. 

To look at my empty womb.

Maybe this sounds all dramatic and melancholy, but that is what’s happening. That is how I am feeling. 

Six months on and my body is certainly not back to normal. Not even close. 

So time to do a bit of investigating. 

But that involves checking out my empty womb. 

Gah. 

I spent the morning at work, and had a small window of opportunity to eat and get some things done around the house before my appointment but I totally can’t deal with it. I’m just going to sit here and vent and hopefully make myself feel better by getting it all out there. 

And because as if that all isn’t enough, I’m also experiencing all of the symptoms of pregnancy, just without the baby part… that’s really fun. Not cruel at all. 

Seriously.

I do not want to go. The last time I walked into a Benson Radiology I thought I was still pregnant. 

I left knowing that what was in my belly no longer had a beating heart.

I’m in the car park now and I’m literally trying not to throw up. I will stay in the car for as long as possible, but soon I am going to have to get out and walk through those doors. 

I do not want to go inside. 

I usually try to finish these things up with a lesson I’ve learned or a positive thought or some sort of general happy note to wrap things up.

Not today team. Sorry. I don’t have it in me. 

Until next time.

Xx

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