I am not okay.

I know it has been a few weeks. I have been thinking about what to say next. About how to move on from this topic and share other elements of my life with you. Because I have other things I want to share. But I feel like I need to finish this story first.

Though I am not sure that it will ever be finished.

I was reflecting on what I have told  you so far, and I have identified a place I have fallen short, and let you down. If you are someone who is reading this, and have experienced this pain, this loss, this tragedy for yourself, I have given you no indication whatsoever as to what you could do to help work through that pain. Or maybe you have a friend who has experienced this, and they need you to help them work through this. I want to help you identify some things that you could do.

I am by no means an expert on grief, but I have experienced more than my fair share of it. I feel like I am uniquely acquainted with a kind of agony that not every 28 year old woman has experienced. And if some good can come from that, then let it be so.

So I am going to share some things with you. But they all deserve more credit than three sentences lost in a big post. So I will cover them separately. But as an overview, there are some areas I have identified as extremely important in working through the physical and emotional trauma that I have just experienced.

For my mind– Professional counselling, friends and family, and time out of the house.

For my body– Check ups on my iron, haemoglobin and HCG with my GP, and some extra visits with my chiropractor to help heal my body, and get my nervous system working as effectively as possible to support me through this.

For my soul- Meditation and mindfulness, and writing away.

I do apologise. I know I have been absent. But I have been having a hard time.

You see, all of these amazing things are happening. My life is full of wonderful and joyous things, and I have so much to be grateful for.

I know that doesn’t make sense. I am sharing that my life is just so amazing but I am telling you that I am having a hard time.

Well it is true. I am having a hard time. I am experiencing some incredible things and I am so grateful for that. So very very grateful to be surrounded by so much joy, so much new life, so much excitement, and so many new opportunities.

But I am sad.

Sad because I can’t feel it like I could before.

I feel joy, but it has to cut through the pain in my chest.

I feel happiness, but it has to cut through the sadness in my heart.

I feel grateful, but it has to cut through the fear in the pit of my stomach.

I am different now. And I am sad. I am sad because I don’t know if I will ever experience these feelings in the same way that I did before everything changed.

And some days are worse than others. Some days, I have to fight back the tears. Yesterday was one of those days. For some reason, it was just incredibly challenging. I don’t know why. Nothing in particular happened. I can’t identify any sort of trigger. I spent the morning with two beautiful friends and our little ones having a play together. I spent the middle of the day at home playing with my gorgeous daughter. We went for an adjustment at the chiropractor in the afternoon. We went puddle jumping afterwards and then we made dinner before Simon got home.

And I smiled.

And I laughed.

And I joked.

I experienced joy.

I experienced happiness.

I experienced pain.

I felt close to tears. A few times I did start to cry. But I held it together. And I tried to remind myself how amazing my life is. I tried to remember all of the incredibly exciting and wonderful things that are going on and focus on them.

Sometimes, I wonder how my life would differ if I was someone who wore my heart on my sleeve. But I don’t. I am a rather open person, but if I don’t tell you that I am feeling pain, then I am not sure that you would know.

I might be a little bit quieter than usual, but if I become aware of that, I will just overcompensate, and mock you, or tease you, or make a joke, or share a funny story. I’ll just do something to make you think that I am ok.

But I am not okay.

I mean, I am okay, and I am working through it and I will BE okay.

But some days, I am not okay.

And I think it is important that I share that.

People say that time heals all wounds. I don’t believe that is true. I have experienced significant loss in my life, and I just do not believe that it is true.

I do believe that we become stronger.

I do believe that we learn to live with the pain.

I do believe that the pain changes.

I haven’t learned to live with this pain yet.

But I will. I am trying. I will get there.

And I know from experience that just as we think we have got it all together, we have one of those days where we just aren’t okay. And I think that is OKAY.

Because maybe tomorrow we will be.

 

 

4 thoughts on “I am not okay.

  1. You have just described grief – quite beautifully. Healing has no real timeline nor does it follow our life patterns, it winds it’s way to it’s own destination and you are a passenger gaining the insights that only this grief can show you. Much love from someone who is also within the depths of grief.

  2. That was so well explained. I too feel exactly the same and your spot on. Grief doesn’t heal with time you just learn how to deal with it. My advice to you is do not hold back tears, my daughter said to me let go mum no matter where you are or who is with you. If they are friends they will understand completely. My sister was my best friend and her loss has left a very large void in my life……… Much love to you. ❤️

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